Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Merry

To be honest, I had a perfectly great Xmess day. Got to go up to Woodland to visit the parental units with the DH and Leetle Seestir, hang out, eat a ridiculous amount of food, walk in the rain, eat some more, cruise around Woodland to see if every single Starbucks was closed (they were), eat yet more, and hang out with my new favorite cat.

Sidebar on the cat:

First, my mom has...four cats...I think. Maybe three. There's definitely no shortage of cats around the house. They're all calico cats, as that's my mom's favorite type of cat. She gets them from various rescue groups in the area. The most charismatic one of the bunch is a tiny six-pound ball of fuzz named Kacy. She's not a young cat, and apparently she was part of a hoarder's dream/nightmare; she was stuffed in a house with about 35-40 other cats when she was rescued a few years ago. When my mom adopted her, it was discovered that Kacy's teeth were rotted through, so they had to be removed. You'd think this would have made for a cranky cat. But no. She's the sweetest little creature who really, really likes to cuddle. As an added bonus, when she purrs, she drools due to her lack of teeth.

Whenever my sister and/or I come to visit, Kacy slowly saunters to us when we're sitting on the living room couch and stares at us until we pick her up and deposit her on our lap or chest. She then proceeds to purr up a storm, drool prolifically, and settle in for a nice long visit. Yesterday my sister and I would tag team cuddling with Kacy; whenever my sister had to get up to do something, she'd plop Kacy on me. I'd do the same in return when needed. This fazed Kacy not at all. And so she gets a year's worth of attention in the space of a few hours.

ANYWAY, after a lovely family visit, we skedaddle to the airport for our flight home. Note: it's raining. Our flight on a plane that's one step above a peesa-crap puddle-jumper prop plane is delayed by about 45 minutes. Not too shabby considering the weather. The plane finally shows up, we board as fast as we can, and after a few hitches and glitches, we're finally on our way.

And that's when I realize I'm in hell.

I've mentioned before that I fucking HATE gum-chewing. Yes, the DH constantly chews gum. Yes, it drives me apeshit. Yes, I've had to leave the room when he's aggressively chewing his goddam gum so that I resist the urge to slap the gum out of his mouth. I believe I inherited this hatred of gum-chewing noise from my mom, who ABSOLUTELY FORBADE me from chewing gum as a kid. I didn't understand back then. I do now.

Across the immensely small aisle of the immensely small plane was a couple who were subconsciously BEGGING for me to bitchslap them. The girl was a typical skinny, flat-ironed, fake tan, Uggs-wearing idiot who was enamored with herself and her boyfriend while laughing CONSTANTLY. The boyfriend was wearing ridiculous huge cubic zirconia earrings and chewing an insane wad of gum that would've made Violet Beauregard insanely jealous. Open-mouthed, cow-cud-chewin',  gum-and-lip smackin', gum poppin', totally fucking OBLIVIOUS TO HOW MUCH OF AN ANNOYING ASSHOLE HE WAS BEING DOOSHBAGUE. I had to listen to these two mental midgets with their inane stupidity while the plane was taxiing for takeoff. Which took FOREVER.


Oh, and as an added bonus, the plane was a sweatbox. Air flow? Nah, that would distract me from having to listen to the incessant idiocy across the aisle from me. FUCK.

When we finally were up in the air and cleared for electronic devices, I couldn't get my mp3 player out and running fast enough.

After a turbulent flight, we finally were coming in for a landing at LAX. As soon as I had to turn the mp3 player off, the never-ending cow-cud impersonator was high on my radar again. With his dipshit girlfriend. Holy FUCK, why doesn't his jaw get tired?!?!?! Here is a very badly drawn visualization of my nightmare:

As soon as the plane landed and we were allowed our electronic devices, I had to vent on twitter to keep me from slapping him. No, really, I was going to slap him. It didn't help when we had to taxi across all of LAX for about ten minutes and then wait outside our gate for another ten minutes while the plane that was already at our gate took its sweet time leaving. And all the while I was sweating profusely due to the lack of air circulation.

When we finally got off that tincan of a transportation device, I ranted for a good 15 minutes as we walked out of the terminal. So I turned into as much of an asshole as the gum-chewing asshole.

But at least I had the good grace to do so in an open area where everyone could avoid me if needed!

I have never been so happy to be off a plane in my life!

Oh, and I was able to make another appearance on Derby Deeds for this week. Squeeeeeeee! Those guys are super-fun to talk to and I was glad to be able to step in at the last minute!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


After doing a bunch of running around for the past couple of weeks, my life has slowed down. And now I'm sick. WTF?!?!?!?!?

I've tried to sleep off the ick, but after two days of hibernating I've come to the conclusion that I gotta man up and just deal with life despite the sick. At least I'm not working. So pardon any spaciness you may encounter with this blog entry.

Cat update:

Remember our outdoor visitors, Kitty and Blue?

Kitty has disappeared. One day he was around, the next he was gone. He's been gone for about two months now, and it makes the DH and I very, VERY sad. Kitty was willing to come into the house more; he had gotten skinnier than we were used to. He still ate, but it was obvious that he wasn't the same as he was in years past. I hope that someone took him in...I'd hate to think about any other conclusion.

And then there's Blue. He of the eternal diarrhea and hyperness. He stuck around, ate like a fiend, and teased our cat LouC by frolicking outside. When the weather got cold, he insisted on coming into the house. Which makes sense, as where else was he going to go to? He didn't have Kitty to cuddle with in the outdoor catbed anymore.

When Blue came into the house, we found out that not only does he have constant diarrhea, but he didn't know how to use a cat box. Oh, and he vomits a lot. Needless to say, his adjusting to being an exclusive indoor cat has been quite the learning--and cleaning-- experience.

So off to the vet he goes. After two different antibiotics and a shitload of testing...literally(nothing like carrying around stool samples of a diarrhea-filled cat when running errands), the vet figured out Blue has some kind of Irritable Bowel Syndrome that may or may not require medication for the rest of his furry life. We're still figuring out the medication thing for the poor little least it's not too terrible to give him the medication. Lardo and Max were HORRIBLE with trying to pop pills down their little gullets; Blue is surprisingly docile about it.

I know that Blue is beginning to feel better since he's started to sit with me on the futon couch in the den while I'm watching TCM. LouC will get jealous and will sit on me, so I've become covered in cats. At least I'm warm. Blue's favorite sleeping spot is a paper bag lying on the couch, though. It's so cute...I'd post a photo of said cuteness, but we lost our camera in Chicago back in November. Oops.

Anyway, I gotta go do last-minute crap for Xmess. If you haven't finished all of your shopping yet, may I remind you of the rad crap I have available through Wicked Skatewear:

Better Red Than Dead 

You Can't Hit This

Girls Who Skate Derby Are Filled With Fury


Hit Her Out!


Friday, December 17, 2010

Legendarily Notorious

At some point last year, the Derby Dolls decided to set up a category of long-time skaters who have been with the league for at least five years called, "Legends".  What's the advantage of being a Legend within the Dolls? So far, a still-skating Legend doesn't have to work the games (unless she's skating in said game, of course), and retired Legends get to come to any Dolls-hosted event for free. There's also talk of hanging all the Legends jerseys up in the flat track area.

On the surface, that doesn't sound like a lot to get out of it, but when you think about it, five years in a new sport is a LONG time. So many experiences and memories.

LADD's very own Vince (responsible for our RaD Dept. who does our amazing game intros, video, lighting, sound, etc.) decided to throw together the first L.A. Derby Dolls Legends Induction ceremony within a week's timeframe. Ridiculous. Email invites went out, requests for old fliers and photos quickly followed, and next thing I knew Ceremony Day was upon us.

Apparently I was scheduled to give a speech. Which I didn't know I was going to do until day of. I was told I didn't have to do it, buuuuuut, by the way, I'm last on the list.

That's a gauntlet being thrown at my feet, people.

I still hemmed and hawed as to whether I'd actually give a speech. I spent the day running errands and so I didn't have time to sit and ponder it. Then, finally, at 7pm I sat and scribbled something out just before hitting the nasty LA traffic to go to the ceremony. I still didn't know whether I'd give the speech until other Legends started giving their speeches. There were quite a few memorable moments brought up with quite a few laughs. After 31 other Legends were acknowledged, I, as number 32 got up, mumbled for a few seconds and said something along the lines of this:

Back in January 2004, I believed certain things about myself and my place in the world. I thought I was:

  • too old
  • too fat
  • too awkward
  • too shy
  • too ugly
  • too loud
  • too goofy
  • too geeky
  • too stubborn
  • too strict
  • not pretty enough
  • not artistic enough
  • not jock enough
  • not smart enough
  • not clever enough
  • not savvy enough
  • not diplomatic enough
  • and not funny enough for my little corner of the world.

Then I found the Derby Dolls.

And my world totally changed.

Well, it's not like the list I just rattled off stopped being true, because I know that everyone here would agree with something on that list.

BUT, I found a group of misfits and crazy people who made me feel I have a place and something positive to work towards, and I hadn't had that in a LONG time.

So, THANK YOU Derby Dolls, for allowing another freak onto your island of misfit toys. And especially to Demolicious and Thora Zeen--what you started has been AMAZING, and has made a difference to so many women. What we're doing is crazy, but as I keep saying, we're too dumb to know that this can't work. So keep working it, everyone!


I apparently made people cry with this quickly scribbled out missive. Without resorting to making them come to my Fresh Meat practices. I surprised everyone, including myself. Which is OK, because that's what derby has been...a long line of surprises.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hi, Atus!

Chicago. It's a helluva town. A great place for roller derby, I tell yew whut.

The Red Bull-sponsored game against Windy City was fun. Really fun. And the Ri-Ettes won. By a comfortable margin. 118-81. I'm proud of the team for that. I'm also proud of myself, I must admit. I tried to not be an egotistical dick about being the captain of the travel team this year, but you know what? I'm feeling pretty damned prideful about this. So there.

Co-captain LEGacy really helped make this happen, too. When push came to shove(and when doesn't it in derby?) she stepped up and took on whatever came our way full-force. I now feel she totally has my back, and that's a good feeling to have for this loner.

And the team? We came together and worked as a team in the best way possible. The difference in us from the beginning of the year to this game is profound. And it's great. Next year's Ri-Ettes will be a very different beast...I'm glad I got to be part of this year's roster.

Other highlights of the weekend include:

  • Taking part in the most outrageous game of Hangman ever. Have you ever played Sexually Explicit Hangman? I was surprised that it's a good way to spend an hour before a derby game. And I learned a few (icky) things, too.

  • Finding out the coat I bought for both Chicago and my upcoming trip to London and Amsterdam in January works really well in cold weather when it's layered with...just about anything. My general non-skating attire included silk longjohns, a t-shirt and pants, a hoodie, the jacket, gloves and sometimes a hat. I was toasty warm when wandering around in the 19F degree cold and snow.

  • Windy City skaters hit hard. Really hard. But they're nice off the track. Really nice. And fun. Really fun.

  • Vinyl decals on banked tracks are no fun due to a lack of traction. I landed on my face after trying to use my toestops to get back up on the track and stepping--no, slipping back off because of the decals. UGH.

  • Afterparties at lame doosh-filled bars can still be fun when you throw enough derby skaters into the mix. 

  • The Hard Rock Hotel is kinda cool, though it's unnerving to have a huge photo of Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant watching me sleep, and it's REALLY creepy to have Thin White Duke-era David Bowie watching me use the toilet. Yoiks!

  • The dudes from the band Less Than Jake came across like typical rockers-who-get-laid-too-easily dooshes. I didn't like their music to begin with, but to listen to them "compliment" us by saying, "I'd bone every last one of you" made me want to kick them in the crotch with steel-toed boots. 

  • Luckily the Red Bull crew were infinitely more professional.

  • Snowfights are fun until one gets hit in the face even after saying, NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE! And bee-tee-dubs? You can't throw a snowball at my head and then say you were aiming for my butt. I WILL NOT BELIEVE THAT.

  • Missing flights home due to weather sucks. Luckily I had a long book to read and derby girls to snuggle with while we waited for the sideways snow to stop long enough for us to make our escape. We were delayed only by about 11 hours. 

  • Making 118 calls to Derby Deeds in a 24-hour timeframe. I even wrote a song to the tune of Motley Crue's Home Sweet Home that I sang in the airport bathroom while waiting for the flight home. That's dedication, people. Or insanity. Whatever. 

  • Surly cab drivers at LAX. Really, if you don't like what you're doing, why the hell are you a cab driver?! If you want a fucking tip, shut up and drive, honky.

And now for some photos:

I look like I'm prancing:

But in actuality I'm doing something useful:

This photo shows my first time on the track for the game during the second jam. WCR jammer Ying of Fire was trying to squeeze her way on the inside. I see her and go in for the hit. Funny thing is, I MISSED. However, my flying body forces her off the track. Which is good. What's bad is that my landing on the coping of the track hurts my back and hip. I somehow jacked up my right shoulder in the process as well. This was just the first in a long string of falls I took. I haven't been this sore after a game in years.

Waiting for the weather. LEGacy and I on the Hard Rock Hotel lobby couch with PITA in the background. A lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Life, the Universe, and Everything

Yesterday I turned 42 years old.

Which doesn't feel very different from 41, especially with the nagging ankle injury. In the morning I'm limping around the house like an old decrepit woman until my ankle warms up and I can walk normally. Then I go do the usual shit that I do. Beach skating, bicycling, derby, whatever. I still can't really jog, though. And that actually bugs me since I like a slow, casual jog through the neighborhood.

Anyway, I see more lines on my face, and have more aches in my body, but I'm still hanging in there. I even had practice, which was GREAT. The Ri-Ettes were KILLING it, everyone was in a good mood, and I even got birthday pie! YAY! I was in a great mood, until...

I got pulled over for speeding on the way home.


That's what I get for driving as if I'm still skating!

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Wow! Moar attention!

I'm really excited about this interview.

I'm super-DUPER excited that it also got mentioned in the DNN weekly roll-up.