Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Merry

To be honest, I had a perfectly great Xmess day. Got to go up to Woodland to visit the parental units with the DH and Leetle Seestir, hang out, eat a ridiculous amount of food, walk in the rain, eat some more, cruise around Woodland to see if every single Starbucks was closed (they were), eat yet more, and hang out with my new favorite cat.

Sidebar on the cat:

First, my mom has...four cats...I think. Maybe three. There's definitely no shortage of cats around the house. They're all calico cats, as that's my mom's favorite type of cat. She gets them from various rescue groups in the area. The most charismatic one of the bunch is a tiny six-pound ball of fuzz named Kacy. She's not a young cat, and apparently she was part of a hoarder's dream/nightmare; she was stuffed in a house with about 35-40 other cats when she was rescued a few years ago. When my mom adopted her, it was discovered that Kacy's teeth were rotted through, so they had to be removed. You'd think this would have made for a cranky cat. But no. She's the sweetest little creature who really, really likes to cuddle. As an added bonus, when she purrs, she drools due to her lack of teeth.

Whenever my sister and/or I come to visit, Kacy slowly saunters to us when we're sitting on the living room couch and stares at us until we pick her up and deposit her on our lap or chest. She then proceeds to purr up a storm, drool prolifically, and settle in for a nice long visit. Yesterday my sister and I would tag team cuddling with Kacy; whenever my sister had to get up to do something, she'd plop Kacy on me. I'd do the same in return when needed. This fazed Kacy not at all. And so she gets a year's worth of attention in the space of a few hours.

ANYWAY, after a lovely family visit, we skedaddle to the airport for our flight home. Note: it's raining. Our flight on a plane that's one step above a peesa-crap puddle-jumper prop plane is delayed by about 45 minutes. Not too shabby considering the weather. The plane finally shows up, we board as fast as we can, and after a few hitches and glitches, we're finally on our way.

And that's when I realize I'm in hell.

I've mentioned before that I fucking HATE gum-chewing. Yes, the DH constantly chews gum. Yes, it drives me apeshit. Yes, I've had to leave the room when he's aggressively chewing his goddam gum so that I resist the urge to slap the gum out of his mouth. I believe I inherited this hatred of gum-chewing noise from my mom, who ABSOLUTELY FORBADE me from chewing gum as a kid. I didn't understand back then. I do now.

Across the immensely small aisle of the immensely small plane was a couple who were subconsciously BEGGING for me to bitchslap them. The girl was a typical skinny, flat-ironed, fake tan, Uggs-wearing idiot who was enamored with herself and her boyfriend while laughing CONSTANTLY. The boyfriend was wearing ridiculous huge cubic zirconia earrings and chewing an insane wad of gum that would've made Violet Beauregard insanely jealous. Open-mouthed, cow-cud-chewin',  gum-and-lip smackin', gum poppin', totally fucking OBLIVIOUS TO HOW MUCH OF AN ANNOYING ASSHOLE HE WAS BEING DOOSHBAGUE. I had to listen to these two mental midgets with their inane stupidity while the plane was taxiing for takeoff. Which took FOREVER.

THANKS, RAIN.

Oh, and as an added bonus, the plane was a sweatbox. Air flow? Nah, that would distract me from having to listen to the incessant idiocy across the aisle from me. FUCK.

When we finally were up in the air and cleared for electronic devices, I couldn't get my mp3 player out and running fast enough.

After a turbulent flight, we finally were coming in for a landing at LAX. As soon as I had to turn the mp3 player off, the never-ending cow-cud impersonator was high on my radar again. With his dipshit girlfriend. Holy FUCK, why doesn't his jaw get tired?!?!?! Here is a very badly drawn visualization of my nightmare:
















As soon as the plane landed and we were allowed our electronic devices, I had to vent on twitter to keep me from slapping him. No, really, I was going to slap him. It didn't help when we had to taxi across all of LAX for about ten minutes and then wait outside our gate for another ten minutes while the plane that was already at our gate took its sweet time leaving. And all the while I was sweating profusely due to the lack of air circulation.

When we finally got off that tincan of a transportation device, I ranted for a good 15 minutes as we walked out of the terminal. So I turned into as much of an asshole as the gum-chewing asshole.

But at least I had the good grace to do so in an open area where everyone could avoid me if needed!

I have never been so happy to be off a plane in my life!

Oh, and I was able to make another appearance on Derby Deeds for this week. Squeeeeeeee! Those guys are super-fun to talk to and I was glad to be able to step in at the last minute!

5 comments:

Roxy Horror said...

I SYMPATHIZE WITH THIS POST!!!!!

Cannibelle Corpse said...

I will make sure I have plenty of gum to chew around you when I see you in February. Loves yous!

Bonnie D.Stroir said...

hahahaha! That's what people do on planes, chew gum! It helps with the ear popping. You need earplugs! You are hilarious. Cranky monkey.

Sid Officious said...

My cat drools too. All her teeth, but she can be really grumpy sometimes.

My mum disapproved of chewing gum. I could never work out what you were supposed to do when you'd finished it. Although at a recent practice I did turn over the bench we were using for penalty box and see lots of little wads of chewing gum stuck under there. Eww! I don't blame the rollergirls though, more probably other people who use the sports hall.

Nice to hear you on DD - hope to meet you if you drop in on LRG when you're in London.

Sid

RedDiabla said...

Roxy: somehow that doesn't surprise me.

Cannibelle: just remember that I WILL hit you! :)

Bonnie: chewing gum is one thing. Chewing a cud while breathing loudly through open mouth? That ain't just popping one's ears!

Sid: used gum after its purpose has been served is almost as bad as gum that's being chewed! Yuck! I'll definitely be giving a shoutout to LRG when I'm in London at the end of January! Don't show me the underside of your penalty benches! :D