Being injured sucks.
Not exactly a newsflash, but DAYUM I miss skating. I'm still supposed to refrain from anything that hurts my knee, so no derby, no running, no Tarametrics, no burpees. In other words, all the high-impact stuff I do, I can't do. I still ride the bicycle at least 45 minutes a day, and take a walk at lunch, but...yeah. SO not the same.
Going at a literally slower pace isn't fun, but adjusting food intake for that slower pace has been sucktabulous, too. Whether I like it or not, if I stray too often from salad, my pants tell me that I should rethink that strategy for future wearings of said pants.
Of course the worst part of not skating? Not skating. Not just the physicality of it, or the skating with my team, but the adrenaline and endorphin levels are now off. WAY off, because I can't do anything to raise them up because of my damn knee. The result of this lowered inactivity and loss of adrenaline and endorphins has made me very, VERY cranky. REALLY cranky. UNBEARABLY cranky. And everyone has felt it, especially the Dear Husband.
He's now adopted an aversion to me that's rather extraordinary, considering that he rarely leaves the house...our small, small house. But when he's foolish enough to try to talk to me, it's to tell me that I have to find a way to keep skating, because I'm pretty much intolerable in my non-skating state.
The funny thing is, he just kept saying I need to stay in derby, which I took to mean staying involved in derby. But no, he was really saying I need to keep skating. The difference was highlighted to me when I had lunch one day with Hurricane Ken, and I was bemoaning my crankiness to him. He sighed, nodded knowingly, and said flat-out that I'm in withdrawals from the adrenaline, and that he went through a similar experience when he stopped racing cars. It got so bad he couldn't even watch racing for a long time. Ahhhh, someone understands!
And it's interesting that of all the talk about injuries, and how to stay involved while not being able to directly participate, it's the adrenaline and endorphins that don't get talked about much. Because I think that stuff does as much to the injured person as the immobility and lack of belonging many experience. For myself, the only time I've sustained a happy feeling outside of Rollercon for more than a few hours was last week when I skated while torturing the new Fresh Meat skaters. It was the first time since June where I felt I got a good workout(my endurance has predictably gone to shit)and my body absolutely craved the euphoria I experienced afterwards. With not much knee pain, I might add.
HOW THE HELL DO OTHER SKATERS DEAL WITH THIS?!
Anyway, I had tried to divert my unskatingness into coaching and other derby work. The coaching wasn't bad, because I got to yell, and therefore felt somewhat useful. But the other derby work? Ugh. I want no part of it anymore, because there has been a severe lack of positive payoff for my time and energy in those areas. And that's another side topic entirely...ever notice when nonskaters try to participate in DIY derby, even if they were at one point skaters, they're not seen as part of the collective as much as a skater is? Which is fucking DUMB, because "by the skaters, for the skaters" is great until you realize how much fucking work running a league is. It sure would make life easier and better for everyone if the burden was shared with those who aren't skating for whatever reason. But at least with my league, when a skater retires, she doesn't stick around much. I can think of about three exceptions to that observation. Three out of...how many hundreds?
More importantly, I feel like an outsider in my own league. I felt I've been getting pushed aside in subtle and not-so-subtle ways this season. I can't say how much of my outlook on this is because of the non-skating part, or because I'm seeing the league in a different light. But it's there, and it's telling me time to do something different.
My main goal right now is to successfully finish this season. That's really the only solid goal I have right now. There are other things floating in my brain...I still want to train, I still think I can contribute to interleague stuff, and I still want to skate, but not under the current setup.
This injury has changed my outlook on work, derby, and life. Much as derby itself has changed me. But I want to be able to skate like I did before; with minimal pain and no further damage. Especially since my happiness is still stuck in an apparently old rut. Stupid adrenaline.