Friday, February 13, 2009

Crass Glasses

This is the reason why I needed new glasses. The old ones were...OK. And by "OK" I mean, "Well, I've seen worse...on a dead and mangled hooker who was missing her head."

I thought it was neat when I got the old glasses frames ten fucking years ago that they matched my hair color perfectly. Now, not so much. And the shape? Yawn. I bore myself into a coma. I look like an angry, boring librarian.

So Monday I went shopping for new glasses.




First, there's my prescription. I have a stigmatism in both eyes. And I'm nearsighted on top of that. You know what that means? Yep, Coke-bottle-lenses. I am living proof that guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses if they're actually blind.

Then there's my ugly mug. I have a long, narrow-yet-square-jawed face, and so most glasses look weirdly huge on me. The bug-eyed Paris Hiltonesque sunglasses? Um, NO. Even if I could afford them, I wouldn't be able to wear them due to severe retardation on my part. And my eyes are close together. Couple that with a nearsighted stigmatism, and you have eyes that virtually disappear behind the lenses. NOT A GOOD LOOK.

And last but not least, I think the only people eyeglass designers want to design for are Tina Fey and Sarah Palin. I don't think they're one in the same, but they may as well be considering the selection...or lack thereof...I had to choose from.

Imagine if you will, a big schlumpy redhead who's squinting a lot because she can't fucking see in an eyeglass store. She has her prescriptions for her new contact lenses and glasses in her sweaty paws, she's set to burn the credit card for said new contacts and glasses...and she hates almost every pair of glasses she tries on.

The salespeople wisely stayed out of the way. I trumped through the store, carrying four, five, six pairs of frames at a time, trying them on one after the other, whipping them off my face in frustration. Too big. Weird color. Doesn't sit on my nose right. Doesn't sit on my ears right. Fits crooked. Too small. Dang, why do those wire-frames not come in a nice, sturdy plastic version?

I was in there for well over an hour.

Then finally, I narrowed the search down to three pairs.

Then two.

Then one.


Earth-shatteringly cool, aren't they?

OK, maybe not.

To be honest, I don't know if I like the new glasses any better than the old ones. The new ones are certainly more interesting than the old ones. They have a nice tortoise-shell pattern on the front and have cute lil' rhinestone thingys on the earpieces.

The overall shape? I'm not totally sold on it. They may be a little too sharp for me. I doubt if I'll leep these babies ten years like I did the last pair.

I'm amused that they happen to be made by Juicy Couture. First, I neverNEVEREVER thought I'd buy anything by that brand. Second, my sister does travel for the owner/founder/president/whatever, so she gets free purses from them all the time. And they're apparently worth bank. I probably could've asked to see if I could get the frames direct from them for cheep!

So now I look like a slightly less boring angry librarian.

But I still look like a librarian.

With designer frames.

But I got a swank carrying case:

Complete with swank cloth to wipe clean said Coke-bottle lenses.

But hey, at least I can see!


Cagey said...

I like them!
And now am wondering if I can wear that shape...

RedDiabla said...

Of course you can. Because you're CUTE.

Smudge said...

I'd most certainly make a pass in you in your glasses. You look delicious in them!

You have great taste, well done.

Ken Mitchroney said...

My glasses can beat up your glasses!

RedDiabla said...

Ken: your glasses could withstand a direct nuclear hit because they're Old School and amazingly cool.