Sunday, February 18, 2007


I had to reveal another secret last night.

The husband and I went to another roller derby bout in Orange County. No, that's not the secret part.

Quick backstory: I was brought in as a guest coach to this league last Tuesday, with hilarious results. At first, they hated me. I mean, really loathed me. Why? Because I gave them a warmup that they wouldn't soon forget. I made them work. Then I made them work on essential game skills. Then I made them scrimmage for a whole 20 minutes straight! Thennnnnnnn, I made them do what the Derby Dolls call a Wall of Pain, where situps and pushups ensue...all with skates on. After two hours they were crying and complaining about the pain yet they loved it. Masochists!

Anyway, back to my story. So, there we were in Orange County ready to watch some roller derby. I had recently acquired a pair of white sneakers, which I wore with a white t-shirt and black pants. For those of you who actually know me, this is a shocking wardrobe development because I'm never seen in anything other than black with the occasional red to show some team spirit.

One of the Derby Dolls(and former Fight Crew member), Razorslut was in attendance and immediately noticed the shoes. And gave me quite a bit of grief about them. "Sooooooo, what brought this on?" she slyly asks.

I couldn't get out of it. I knew that I had to make my big confession. She'd weasel it out of me at some point, so coming clean was the best and least painful option.

I added white shoes because I'm slowly...slllllllooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwllllllyyyyyy, adding some color to my wardrobe because I'm a secret freak for a show on TLC called What Not to Wear and I know that my wardrobe sucks. That's right, I love transformation shows!

It all started over Thanksgiving weekend when I was sick. Well, I think it was Thanksgiving weekend, I'm not really sure. Because I was sick. Nevermind. SO, I ended up sitting on the couch in the den feeling like crap and the only thing on tv was What Not to Wear. I was hypnotized.

My wardrobe is atrocious. I know it. There are parts of it that don't bother me because it's for specific things that necessitate it; my leather pants for example. They're for riding motorcycles. That's usually the only time that I wear them, unless a pirate party is announced. My miniskirt collection is another example. I only wear them for roller derby or when skating in general is involved. So when I'm not riding or skating, I don't have a lot to wear that's nice-looking, attractive, or flattering. I just wear menacing black. Which is fine on Halloween, but I do think it affects the job situation sometimes.

Problem is, I don't know diddley about clothes and how to figure them out for a tall, pudgy, knuckle-dragger artist-type who rides motorcycles such as myself. I hatehatehate ultra-feminine stuff. I don't wear pink under most circumstances, I hate floral prints, I hate chiffon and uber-girly stuff. Well guess what? There's a lot of floral prints, and uber-girly stuff out there! I don't know where to find clothes that don't fit the above description. I don't know what I'm doing, period. You'd think being associated with an all-girl derby league would be a help, but to be honest I've been very shy about asking for help from them. Probably because I'd get a lot of grief about it. So I watch What Not to Wear for clothing tips. It's not quite reflected itself in my wardrobe yet, but there's always hope for the future.

To complete my story, Razorslut has gleefully threatened to enter me into the What Not to Wear funfest of getting a new wardrobe. Thank gawd they're not looking for west coast peeps right now(I already checked their official website), so I'm safe from televised humiliation. However, I did draw the below doodle of what it would be like to be on that show, critiquing myself in their 360-degree mirror. Click to view it big and stuff so that you can read it:

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