A Secret Wish

It's been brewing for awhile now, but I have a wish that's getting bigger and bigger, much like a tumor or goiter.

It's something that I didn't want to happen, but as in all things, it's signaling an end.

I wish I wasn't a team capitan.

It was fun for awhile, and gawd knows I've learned a helluva lot in the past two and a half years of doing it, but I think I'm done.

I'm done with the feeling that I'm obligated to show up to every single practice. That I'm babysitting. Hearing all sorts of excuses as to why others can't show up to practice or help with committee stuff or plan team events. Not being particularly liked. Not being respected. Getting crap from passive-aggressive members who haven't been real good about communicating in the past about my tone when talking to them. Not getting much credit for trying to improve. Not getting a "thank you" every once in a while. Knowing that the main reason I'm captain is because no one else wants to do it, not because I might be good at it.

The only person on my team that I feel that I'm really friends with is my co-captain. Oh, who got injured on Wednesday so she's not playing in the game tomorrow. Crap! She's a wonderful girl...everyone loves her. Now that I think about it, there are very few people I think I'm friends with in my league. Ironic, considering how much time I spend on it. Some of the reasons why are my fault, but much like those who have already left the league, I'm not in any of the league cliques. So I'm out of the social loop. Hell, I'm out of the loop in general.

I have to concentrate more on the art side of life anyway, so after this season I think stepping down as team capitan is a good thing. Then I can give the excuses when things don't get done. Wow, that would be an interesting change! I'd be curious as to who would step up; my co-captain won't, which is fine. How would the team dynamic change? Will they be nicer to me once I step down? I can only hope.